Pokémon We Could Beat Up #13

This is Pokémon We Could Beat Up #13

This is a bi-weekly column from Chris and I where we go through the National Pokédex and talk about whether we could beat each Pokémon in a fight.

---

061-65

The Machop evolutionary line…losses incoming

066. Machop

Height: 2’07”

Weight: 43.0 lbs.

Machop

CHRIS: Just using my eyes, I should win this. However, I know how strong he is. I believe one of his cards even have him holding a Boulder. He would throw me across the state. I’d wake up wondering why I was in North Jersey.

STEVE: Machop looks like a sex offender. “Machop’s entire body is covered with muscles that will never tire or cramp. With these muscles, it can lift many times its own body weight. Machop is capable of hurling up to 100 adults.” I can’t talk my way out of this one, Machop is a dirty little gym rat. L.

067. Machoke

Height: 4’11”

Weight: 155.4 lbs.

Machoke

CHRIS: Absolute beast. I always loved this chain. This is even worse. He’s bigger and stronger. He could dominate me in anyway he would want. I picture myself in a UFC fight and he just treats me like an ant.

STEVE: Look at this guy, posing up a storm. Machoke has a championship belt on at all times. Champion of what, I do not know but I don’t think I’m going to be around long enough to find out. L.

068. Machamp

Height: 5’03”

Weight: 286.6 lbs.

Machamp

CHRIS: 286 pounds of pure muscle. Drop the mic.

STEVE: “It punches extremely quickly, throwing five hundred punches a second.” Oh okay. L.

069. Bellsprout

Height: 2’04”

Weight: 8.8 lbs.

CHRIS: I rip this thing like I do to the weeds in my my garden. No contest.

STEVE: I just had three musclebound freaks beat the brakes off of me, I needed this change of pace. I’ve pulled weeds before and Bellsprout is no different. W.

Bellsprout

070. Weepinbell

Height: 4’11”

Weight: 105.8 lbs.

Weepinbell

CHRIS: This is just a big plant. Steve is a little crazy here. It’s a mouth and leaves. How would it even get close to me. Roll around? I’ll throw my shoes at it if I have to. No way I let a piece of grass beat me.

STEVE: Pokemon are scary and I don’t like it. The world of Pokemon is a cruel and unforgiving one. “When its prey draws near it sprays poison powder to immobilize the target before melting it with its internal acids. It oozes a neutralizing fluid that prevents these internal acids from melting its own body. It will also slice its prey too large to consume into pieces with its razor-sharp leaves.” So you’re telling me Weepinbell is going to immobilize me and then while I can’t move it’s going to cut me with its leaves. Lovely. L.

---

STANDINGS

CHRIS: 47-23 record up to now. The day I lose to a flower is the same day I go and buy a weed whacker.

STEVE: 1-4. I have no words. 44-26 after 70 fights. Still a positive record, can’t complain too much.

New fights every Monday and Friday 5:00 PM EST. Gotta beat em’ all.